CoLoUR mY WeRRRrrRRLLDD!!

2005-06-15T23:13:00.000+08:00

wat a fool i am.
FOOL.

losing my faith in something i believe so much in.

how i viewed things.
hah.
what a fucking joke.

.cynic.

love bites.

2005-06-05T00:35:00.000+08:00

reality.
its biting me real hard.

i prayed to god,
asking him to give me the faith,
asking him to not me go crazy,
asking him to give me back the happiness i had,
asking him to put a smile on my face,
asking him to give me the strength i am slowly losing.

i wish i was special,
but i'm a creep.

a part of me feels so crumbled.
so shattered.

letting it all go...
slowly releasing...

sadness.

2005-06-03T23:51:00.000+08:00

how unbelievable.
life is like the business cycle i learn in macro.
it changes so fast.

what a piece of slut.
havent you got any respect for yourself?
rubbin your stinkin ass everywhere.
urgh. what a disgrace to society.
i hope you grow fungi and mould and bacteria at your fucking smelly pussy.
then i'll smash your brainless head against the wall.
on the other hand, i shall not even waste my time going ANYWHERE near you,
you low life, no respect, ass-rubbing PIECE OF SHIT.
wat a kurap. hah.

how can the person you love so much hurt you so badly?

shattered.

2005-06-01T00:00:00.000+08:00

take me away, a million miles away.......
if its only for tonight we can drive out of the city.......

i wanna be kidnapped by a group of aliens.
then they can take me away from here.
bring me to planet mars then leave me alone there.

its hard, really hard to do something that your heart knows wont do any good.
at what price do i have to pay for happiness?
what is at stake?
what will be the future be?

some people can be so fucking rude. fuckers.

a person can change your perspective on life so drastically.
at one point of a time, life is at its peak, everything is swell and sweet.
now, it seems bleak, sad.
a life without emotions.
everything seems robotic.

i'm losing my senses and myself.

piece by piece, i release.....................

If you fall, i will catch you, i'll be waiting,
time after time...

empty. hollow. lost. alone.

2005-05-14T01:27:00.000+08:00

sometimes i wish i can run away.
away from all my deepest fears.
sorrows. frustrations. anger. hurt.
if only fear was a fucking cockroach i can kill with baygon. then life would be sooo sweet. *schmucks*

why must life be so boring?
why must we abide to rules and regulations?
why must we be good citizens and example to society?
why must we be nice to people when we're grouchy?
why must we put a smile on my face when we dun want to?
WHY WHY WHY???!!!???

how wonderful it could be if i have an own island.
a getaway from all this. away from all that.
just me and the love.
away from society and ppl.
where we can run around topless and bottomless pulling our hair out and making monkey faces.
where i can climb onto a tree and shout like tarzan.
where i can actually sit down for a peaceful 10 minutes without anything or anyone in my face.
where i can just have my solace.
and no one would give a hoot. cos there's no one to give a hoot.

kingdom of heaven is a fantastic movie.
was inspired to become a better muslim in vain after that. hahas.

i hate it.
i hate the rate life is going right now.
packed schedules, hectic work.
bleagh. i hate it when i feel the time we have is never enuff. to enjoy, relax and bask in each other's company.
i miss spending quality time with you. :(

i have i week left to enjoy myself before skool starts.
and wat how exactly do i spend time during that 1 week?
WORKING.
fucked up.
i'm telling you, money is evil.

i feel like eating sticky chewy choclate, gold rush sundae, fried calamari, french toast, rendang burger, mushroom swiss, black pepper beef noodles, mee soto, char siew chicken rice, chicken chop, french fries, spicy chicken, cheesy fries, chicken nuggets, fish nuggets, spring roll, chicken wrap, soft squid head, chicken teriyaki burger, platter for 2, catch of the day sambal with paella rice, crab sushi, tuna sushi, balck pepper seafood pasta, fish and chips, mee hoon goreng, nasi goreng kampung, black pepper mushrooms, onion rings, chicken whopper, celebrity brownie, mcspicy double, tempura chicken, coleslaw, maggi mash potatos, prawn fettucini, ruffles cheddar cheese chips, deng deng, chicken satay, otak otak, ramly burger, spicy chicken pasta.......
and of course, my ultimate desire to YUM right now- ADAM SHAH... heeeh.. :)

ooooOoooOOooHH WEeeeEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!

i will leave this light burning for you... eternally...

2005-04-22T23:43:00.000+08:00

yes, i have deleted my previous entry.
Listening to what Adam said, true indeed, i shall not be childish to blog bout things like that as it will only stir up bad emotions. haha. i just want peace in my life, and i seem to be doing okay wifout all these indirect-messages. life's been swell without all the hate and drama and everything.

i feel... fresh.. like a crispy piece of iceberg lettuce dipped in cold ice water. Hahaha. Listening to happy songs help alot... I love my new room. I guess its giving me good fengshui. No more depressing, drabby lookin room!! looking forward to just come back home and go back to to my room... Change is good.. so much change, so much shits before... I guess i've been letting all those small little trivial matters affect me so much. Its so much better when u are at peace with your own self first. Being at peace with myself, i've never realised how impt that was. I feel happy with me. hahas. And i guess when i'm happy and at peace with myself, i tend to not get stirred up or emotionally angry or sad very easily. Its funny sometimes, when i think back and realise how much i care for wat other ppl think of me. Or they're view towards me. I forgot that its wat I think of myself thats impt. And i absolutely love the way things are right now... :)

Yayness, meeting up wit mas soon one of these days. And Papa spoke of a holiday... yeeehaaaw!

I wanna get a toned body, like that belly dancer's body in Kak Sheikah DVD, belly dance for a toned body. They have nice bodies. not fat or too skinny. Just nice. hahas, i just need to find the time. and the inspiration. haha.

Adam's been workin, meaning lesser time for each other cos he need to catch up on rest. Its sad at first, but i guess a man's gotta do wat a man's gotta do. And i've been working as well, so its not that bad. I dunno why, but at the moment, it feels really really weird to have money, but not have the itch to spend it. hahas.

i was talking with Shikin from TP in skool just now... hahaha.. she's farnie... nice time talking with you for like wat, erm, 20 mins? hahaha.. see ya ard...

Adam was explaining to me the difference btw love and lust just now. i get the whole picture now. its always fun asking him questions... sometimes we agree and most times, our ideas just clash and that can turn out messy... doesnt it totally sux when u have to part with someone u dun wanna part wif, even for just few hours or a day? bleaghness.

tml will be the day Adam and Aaron wil have to pay the moolah... HAHAs. gd lucks dudes. *rolls eyes*

I want to go tanning... getting sallow and sallower each day. u-r-g-h.

fuck. i spilled sugar syrup on my lappy. thats just great.

ciaos.

fried fish.

2005-01-24T23:47:00.000+08:00

to my friends. . .
its so so weird.
its funny how i've been able to void emotions.
be such a rock.
i was doing some reflection at the beach alone that other day.
being alone.
being in that solitude, has never made me think and reflect as much as that moment.
they've been in my mind.
been clinging on to that part of me.
and no matter how much i try to ignore, void, i cannot do it.
and i hate doing this.
acting non-chalant.
acting as if i do not need anyone else.
acting as if they do not play an important role in my life.
acting as if i dun crave for those time we had.

what happened to me?
what happened to that ol' me that cared so much for them.
what happened to the me that actually had feellings.
i do miss their presence.
but sometimes, when moments like this comes, you know,
YOU CAN NEVER GET BACK WHAT YOU'VE LOST.
and yes i admit.
i dun think i can ever get them back.
those friendships i treasured so much, but never bothered to show it.
what are words sometimes maisarah??? actions do speak louder than words.
i'm not going to be ashamed to admit this.
i did do them no justice.
perhaps i made use of them? and totally gave back nothing in return?
i was thinking, and putting myself in their shoes.
OH GAWD, I WUD SO HATE MYSELF.
oh gosh. ive been such an asshole. asshole asshole asshole. *headbangs*

lately, i've been so insecure.
so suspicious of everyone.
thinking that they dun care when actually they do.
thinking that they dun bother, when sometimes they do.
like wat someone i treasured but lost said, it takes to hand to clap.
perhaps i wasnt even clapping. and probably didnt even try.
lately i've been horrible to some ppl.
and i'm not proud of it. not proud of it at all.
saying things. like they're irritating.
i admit, i was sad and annoyed that i didnt even get a call.
but to think about it, i dun even deserve anything.
after all's that been done.
no one should probably befriend me.
cos i'm such a horrible, stuck up brat.

everything happens for a reason.
probably that break up opened up my eyes.
probably it made me realised mistakes i've made.
and i KNOW i've made one mistake too many a time.
it made me reflect on every thing i stated above in my blog.

guys, to each and everyone of you i've done wrong.
i know what i did to you guys was wrong. and rude. and simply horrible.
i'm truly sorry from the bottom, rock bottom of my heart.
i've been an arse lately.
i have my reasons. oh wait mebber i dun.
mebbe i was just born an arse.
and i can so understand how ya'll feelin.
i dun mind if u guys wanna leave it like this.
cos i've come to a realisation to what a crummy person i am.
oh wells.
just wanna apologize from the heart.
and seriously. i love u guys.. still..
peace...

and to my baby. adam.
dear, we've been thru a rough patch.
we were able to compromise and consolidate.
but i'm just happy and thankful for everythings that happened.
wat doesnt kill us, makes us stronger.
my love for you just never seem to stop growing each day.
i love you. and i'd do just about anyting in this werld for you.
even if it means to risk and lose everything.
baby, you mean the werld to me...
i love you. always.
*today was absolutely blissful.* :)

really?

2005-01-17T19:43:00.000+08:00

i just read adam's blog. i never thought you'd feel that way.
WHY DO PRETEND THAT YOU'RE HAPPY WHEN YOU'RE NOT?
so all this while you've been pretending that you're happy?
was it all just a facade?
then why are you still with me if i make you unhappy adam?

dead beat tired

2005-01-06T21:56:00.000+08:00

just came back home... and i'm sooo freakin tired... slept at 4 yesterday tryin to complete part of my projects... so irritating my goodness... work load is like piling up man... urgghh...

today was the first time ever that i took a cab all the way from each and every single place.. hahaha... so funn... cant wait to get my driving license... papa agreed to let me use his car as long i dun bang it on some wall or shiet like dat... hahaha.. i was so surprised when he came knocking on my door at like 7, saying, u can drive the car as long as u gain my trust in driving and dun bang it on the wall... trying to learn the basics of driving... heahahaha... fun kan...

adamsies met me at skool around 1... joined by adeq and rawdah as well... had fun, shopping around raffles city... there is this one shop i am totally in LOVE with.. thelifeshop... the items there are all so zen.. so gorgeous... such beauty in simplicity. magnificent.. hahaha.. there was this one necklace which is like so gorgeous.. i was kinda sulking cos i cudnt get it... hate not having enuf money.. :( aniwaes, adam spotted me sulking like a baby.. hahaha.. u noe me so well.. so he dragged me up all the way to lifeshop, tho i refused... he asked me, which one u like?? hahahaha... den instead of that necklace i liked initially, this other necklace caught my eye... so simple yet so... interesting.. really! hahaha.. adam bought it.. i'm really touched.. no one cud read me better than adam... its this little things that makes me so madly in love with you.. not bcos of materialism, but bcos u can just give me a glance, and noe exactly wat i want... wat i need.. instincts aye?? :) i really love you ADAM!! MUAH MUAH MUAH!!!:) oh ya, rawdah bought this little black dress at warehouse which looks so freaking good on her!!!! hmmmphhh.. hahaha.. no laa, still <3>

NUFAIL!! ABEEN!! MARIA!! SYAF!! bitches unite! hahahaha... i miss u all!! :)

need to rest.. so sleepy man... taaaa!

where's my baby gorilla????? :p

happy new year

2004-12-31T23:56:00.000+08:00

goodbye 2004. . .
hello 2005. . . .

well well well...
guess its going to be a new beginning... maybe not for everyone else, but it sure will for me...
saying goodbye to 2004 is sure going to hard...
bitter sweet memories...
everything thats wonderful and sad and bad that has happened in 2004, is sure hard to say goodbye too...

2004
from first tastes of experiences of many kinds, to my ups and downs, to my joys and sorrows, from anything and everything and anything that has happened this year... it changed me and moulded me into a person i never knew i thought i would have become...

to my dear wonderful friends... i know i havent actually been the best of friend to ya'll... and i'm really sorry... sorry if u guys felt that i only run to you only when i need u guys... sorry if i hurt you guys in anyway... sorry for all the neglection... in all ways and everything bad and bitter that has happened, it was truly unintentional... i never meant to inflict any form of hurt or pain to u guys... deep down, i really love each and every one of you, nufail, abeen, sheens, yana, maria, syaf. . . to abeen, nufail, yana, sheena...tho times and things between each of us has definately changed, i want all of you to noe that altho i dun show it at all, i love you all alot... i wont deny the fact that we're certainly not as close as anymore... there is definately a drift between us... among us... and i'm extremely sad that happened... and i'm not sure if things and situations would ever be the same again.. perhaps the gap is too wide.. wounds cut too deep... however or watever it is, i cherished the friendship we had, or still have... i really love each and everyone of you.. i feel that i dun deserve the friendship u guys offered... in order to cause any party from being offended or hurt ever again, well, perhaps this is why the gap, the drift occured...
no doubt, you guys were there for me at times when i needed someone... thank you so much... i'll never forget all the good moments. the golden moments we had... such beautiful friends i have... i'll never forget your friendship... i guess things happen for a reason... stay beautiful my angels... *muacks* :)

to aaron- where's my samprongz can?? wanna wish a happy new year and may you have a great year ahead... you taught me something very important in life, whether you realized it or not... anyways, i havent said thanks havent i?? dun ask for watever reason... but thank you anyways... you've made a difference in my life.. :)

last but definately not least... my baby... ADAM SHAH... i really love you... so so much... you have to noe that no one can ever hold a candle to you baby... you taught me the true defination of love... showering me with your love... patience... care... i cannot ask for more... we've had our ups and downs this year... fights that were nasty enough... but every single obstacle we go thru, just makes us stronger... every single day of my life, i love you, and i will continue to do so till the day i die... you beside me, being here for me, your love, is pure bliss... i love you... i love you more than i love you... u dun have to feel insecure baby... pls... cos u're the only man i will ever love... you're a gift from god... bcos of you, i noe now wat love really is... i dun care wat ppl say about us, about you, about me... cos i noe, no matter wat, we'll always be together... have i told you i love you?? I LOVE YOU ADAM SHAH!! i'm looking forward to spending years with you... looking forward to an eternity with you... nothing can ever change my love for you... i love you more and more everyday... you're my source of happiness and joy... my beautiful one... my endless love... i'll never stop loving you... you are a need in my life... you're all i ever want..
cliche, but you're everything i want in a man....
baby, you're pure bliss..
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU
I LOVE YOU!!!
**you and me alone-sheer simplicity**

HAPPY NEW YEAR EVERYONE!!! HAVE A GREAT YEAR AHEAD!!!
peace... love... joy...
:)

joy riding.

2004-12-28T01:39:00.000+08:00

'driving in your car.... i'd never ever wanna go home, because i havent got one. . . anymoreee...'
yeeehhaaawww!!! today was damn funking dope of a day... a whole day in my baby's company, alongside with other fabolous company and of course, the hyundai sonata....

adam, you are pronounce the most safest, securest driver with no license at ALL!! your driving was really superb babes... really!!! wat a shock u gave me when u called me, ask me to come down now, and i saw u in the driver's seat, ALONE!!
ferst thought= oh my god i am gonna die cos adam is driving and i'm in the passenger's seat... hahaha...
BUT BUT BUT, u so proved me wrong... hahaha... gosh baby, i swear to you, i can so get use to that kind of living... being chauferred around in a car... esp by you!! HEAHAHAHHA...

so after adam picked me up at bout 11, we went over his place where we met stinky rawdah and adeq and dey havent bathe!!! hahahaha... so cute lar dey all... den chilled for a bit, den adam sent me to skool which i went for like only 30 minutes... hahaha.. den adam drove us all to east coast beach where we went to the MC drive thru.. hahaha.. baby u so jakun i swear to you!! hahaha... silly boy, so happy go thru a drive thru.. hahaha.. while adeq and rawdah was happily cuddling at the back, i was checking out my baby, oh so confident oh so happy and oh so sexy=i loikeee... hehehe...

rawdah and adeq make very good companions... ahahaha.. adeq looks like his cat and rawdah is just a kid killer.. hahahaha... farnie ppl...

den saw ira at simpang... OMG... it was like so good to see her.. we must meet up real soon OKAY???!!???

so his family went back home from tanjong pinang and we had to return the car.. :( hahaha... sad sia see adam sad to part with the car.. boys can get so emotional from cars.. rolls eyes...

his mom hates me.. i can see it.. how to marry u like this baby???? lets elope can.
hahas. i want to marry you now.
please...

wat a good start to a day and a good end to my day... in adam's embrace... i love u alot ok.. every single day of my life ok..
and yes, i will get u a car for your 19th b'day... if i struck a million.. hahaha... MUAX!!!!

la.

2004-12-26T22:22:00.000+08:00

i'm so tired.
tired of everything.
haha. yes, everything.

work was a bitch. but still, i had the funnest of fun times... hahaha.. farking crowded man the crowd in fish and co. i was running around like a mad chicken or shud i say, fish... heahahah.. lame-o....
i smell like salmon. or maybe its dory. oh wait, i think its threadfin... oh my fishies... mummy gonna miss u for a week till i see u again on new years ok.. be good now my lil fishies... heahahaha. i'm just tired.

i think its better if i just distant myself away. dun wanna get to close to anyone again... cos its just too sad to see true relationships go to waste just like dat... i tend to hurt ppl very easily.. dunnoe why oso can.. mebbe its just me... neglecting ppl i love most... not spending enuf time and so on... it'll make life so much more convenient if i just distant away... no emotions involved, no strings attached.. cos wat happens when a special bond u have just turns sour, its just not a very pretty sight... i'm tireed of trying to be this, be that... i'm gonna live my life the way i want to... and if that turns ppl off, well too bad... heahahaha... oh my limbs hurt so much... ok dat was random... yeah aniwaes so be it.. i'm not gonna intrude anyone's life... i'll go my way, you'll go yours... so complicating... dun wanna get into this emotion involvement thinggy bob again..

oh the word bob, i miss bob and maria... can u guys pls meet and let me irritate u guys pls.?

yeahhhhh... my poor, aching, stinky feet wud really love a masssage...
my hips, they feel like breaking.. cut it off pls. pls.

my room is in a freakin mess.... i need inspiration to clean it up.. mebbe if someone gives me an unlimeted access to shopping sprees for a lifetime i wud.

i am so screwed. i havent study for POM test. mas, help. . .

i am so hungry. so so hungry. i want fried calamari...

and i miss my baby... havent seen him for two straight days!!! the horror cannn... oh gosh this sux... i miss adam... i miss adam... :( all i need is to see him and i'd be the happiest woman alive...
i miss our silly conversations, i miss u pissing me off, i miss u making fun of me, i miss your smell, i miss your warm hugs and kisses, i miss ur cuddles, i miss your sexy eyes, i miss your beautiful smile, i miss your silly grin... I MISS HIM!!!!!!
work took us away from each other.. hahaha..
adam, my baby who gives me so much strength and will... who gives me so much joy and happiness... so much support... :) baby baby... so much love... ur my endless love... :)
looking at couples pass by fish and co., they're hugging each other so affectionately makes me sigh in happiness perhapss... i love this feeling i'm feeling... to be loved to so much by someone u love equally much... oh so bliss... makes me smile like a fool everytime i think of how much you love me... happy gitu kan... hahaha... baby i love you ok... with u by my side, we shall conquer the world.... fighting crime, trying to save the world!! heaahaha.. lame-0... seriously, with u by my side, i'll be perfectly fine and happy...

needa catch some sleep. . .
adios....
*missing my baby so much....*

and the truth behold

2004-12-20T22:19:00.000+08:00

i was just msning wif nufail...
and few issues came up...
okay, so i admit, its my fault that i dun make enuf time for u and my frens...
its true that i wasnt there for u...
its true that u felt that way bcos of me..
its true that i neglect you...
its true that we're not spending enuff time together...

but pls understand my situation...
u do noe adam is my bf and its normal for us to want to spend our time together...
but i do want to spend time with u nufail... i really really do...
but you have to understand, i dun feel rite, at ease...
yes, its true they're my friends, but u see, situations arose and things change...
how am i suppose to feel if i found out from someone else that the group of friends i call friends or mebbe even best frens are talking about me behind my back...
its up to a point where i feel awkward, betrayed..
mebbe i do deserve it, karma and all..
yet, the last thought on my mind was the fact that you were all talking behind me...
but yet so nice, so sweet in front of me...
i dunno who are my true friends are anymore...
i never thought retribution wud actually come in a form of hypocrisy, rumours-from the ones i really loved and considered my friends...
i noe that things btw me and them will never ever be the same ever since everything that has happened...
and if that has to happened, then it happens, i'm sure there's a reason for it..
but nufail, you told me upfront and came out straight, admitting the truth...
i noe that you are not putting up a front..
i noe that you showed me your annoyance in other weird ways i shant explain...
i noe that wat we have is real.. solid babeh...
tho we've not been spending enuff time together..
and i'm partly to be blame for lack of girl bonding...
lets change it for the better and compromise...
which we are doing now exactly...
u noe i noe i miss u like hell...
i've been wanting to talk to you...
wanting to just spend time with you...
you are one friend i cannot lose...
one friend i truly cherish and treasure...
thanx love, for each and everything you've done...
my love for you will neverrr dieeeee..... :)
reservoir tml? HOW BOUT??

2004-12-11T23:22:00.000+08:00

hohoho... merry x'mas!
i wanna take a picture with every christmas tree i see.. please?
i wanna use a santarina costume, have a beer belly, wear a cute christmas hat, carry a sack full of gifts and gooo, HO HO HO!!
i wanna see baby danial!
i wanna have a crazeeeeeeeeeeeee shopping spree!
but i want adam the most!!! can??!?
heeeh...

SKOOL JUST STARTED!!!!
and its going just swell.....
i enjoyu skool very much.
thank you crazy ppl.

just had a gerls day out today!! we wenr sentosa.. without our boyfriends... *GASPS* hahaha.. me, abeen, maria, syaf..
having a splashing goodie time... without the guys... heeeeh... wore my bikini even with my rash.. i dun careeee!! we all went crazy i tell you.. downside was, it was so infested with like group of guys mang.. gross-ness can.. was like doing the puckering thingy at us... buat bodoh sudaH! hahaha.. i rolled my eyes uncountable number of times today... hahahaha.. then in da sea, syaf like took of my bikini.. so i was like erm, topless? hahaha.. geezz.. basket u syaf.. but i still love u! muaks muaks.. den the mats on the raft saw my bikini was off and den dey like tried to swim to us... LIKE FARKING CHI KO PEK... mind ur own beeswax idiots... den quickly ask maria to put it back on for me.. thank god...so many things happen.. lazy lar wanna update...

so so so thankful i have someone like adam....... I L-O-V-E you ADAM!!!!!!!! my babyyyyyyy, adam!!!! u rock my socks off!!

its you dat matters...

2004-11-26T23:15:00.000+08:00

adam... adam... adam... adam... dats the only boy i can ever think of now...
baby.... i miss you cann.... *pouts*

so he's working now... in a restaurant under swisshotel.. meaning lesser time spent together with him... but its all good.. the love is still strong... heehee...
baybee....... i realised that any free time of mine not spent with him is so...... dull.....

another thing i realised is that my whole world evolves around him...
i dun want anyone else except him...

its weird how even when i'm with him, i miss him... hahaha.. can never get enuf of dat boy..

so now here i am... alone...
i'm thinking of the times in the mrt where he'd make fun of me, and make me laugh my ass off... make people look at me in such a way dat they think i'm crazy.. larfing like a mad ape..hahaha..
i'm thinking of the times at simpang we'd just talk over our drinks and have a fag at the same time...
i'm thinking of the times i'd sniff him cos his armpits smell so good... off a man... and his ck one perfume...
i'm thinking of the times we'd just chill in his room, to new cd's we bought...
i'm thinking of the times where he'd call me, 'baby....' in that manjer voice of his...
i'm thinking of the times he'd make me so mad and piss.. but he'll owaes make it up later...
i'm thinking of the times where he'd cuddle me in his arms...
i'm thinking of the times when i'd snuggle up to him when the fan gets to cold..
i'm thinking of the times when he's kiss me, and say i love you....
i love adam... la la la la!!!!

"where's my baby gorilla???"

heeeeeh....

2004-11-10T23:53:00.000+08:00

life. my life. people's lives.

i realised people in MY life are the ones who create the biggest impact on my life. my family, friends, my love...

my family.. we do have our ups and downs, arguments and differences.. but in the end, its my family who's owaes gonna be there for me 24/7.. love me unconditionally.. providing food and shelter.. certain wants.. i love my family... baby danial, he's such a blessing to the family... i love that shaolin monk(he's a baldie now!) to bits and pieces... i love u ummi, papa, abang, kakak, kak sheikhah and of course danial... i'm lucky that i have a family... tho we're not perfect, you guys loving me is all i need... :)

my friends.. like wat adam said, friends come, friends go... the good ones stay tho... friends have made a tremendously huge impact on my life... my bestest friends, my school friends, my hi bye friends... the good ones stay... well, i am extremely lucky to have best friends like nufail and abeen..
nufail, you've been there thick and thin woman... when i was feeling like shit, when i was on cloud 9... we've been thru a lot.. and i am extremely honoured to have u as a best friend.. someone with such a beautiful heart, personality.. how can anyone not love you at all.. tsk tsk tsk... you have a genuine heart.. and u absolutely have my trust... i love you nufail mahmood...
abeen.. we had a rift on a certain issue... it caused a gap between us... a big big gap....a gap i wished could be closed... i dunno if thats ever possible.. but i guess things happen for a reason.. good or bad... i still love u.. even after all that shit phase we had to go thru...

my love... adam... wat can i say? ur the perfect element in my life... ur all i ever need, ever want in a man...
you're my everything... je taime mon bebe... i'm like so looking forward to the future ahead boyfriend... :)

2004-11-05T01:15:00.000+08:00

liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar liar.
wat a liar.
two-faced.
hypocrites.

i wish i was stupid enough to run away from home. but i'm not stupid enough.
enuf ur shit mom. i had enuf.
dun demand me. dun tell me wat to do.
i'm living in a hell hole.

and you.
i called you.
but u were too busy for me i guess.
u said u gonna be there for me.
but where were u when i needed u.
too busy???
and dun say u love me.
when u dun mean it.

i'm living in a hell hole.
i want to get out. i need to get out.

2004-11-04T19:43:00.000+08:00

nufail doesnt love me animore.

my mom doesnt love me animore.

adam doesnt love me animore.

nobody loves me animore.

he doesnt need me. animore.

i hate it when ppl just hang up on the phone just like dat.

i hate it when i wanna go out and have fun, the whole world's busy.

i hate it when he ditches me for something else.

i hate my life.

fuck it.

2004-11-01T02:07:00.000+08:00

i want to be beside you.
i want to play wif your hair.
i want to see you smile.
i want to have breakfast with you.
i want to have black pepper chicken rice with you.
i want to have mash potatoes with you at every 7-11 we see.
i want cuddle and snuggle up to you.
i want to pluck your eyebrows for you. u noe wat i mean.
i want to be in ur arms, talking to each other.
i want to irritate you.

i just want to be with you. every hour, minute, second.
i miss you.

*pouts*

2004-11-01T01:10:00.000+08:00

i need a change... perhaps a haircut... nicer eyebrows... i dunno wat... but i need a change in my appearance...

so much change has been going on now... so so so much...

me and adam have been doing loadsa planning.. discussing... talking... about the future that lies ahead of us.. our future... it moves me so much how he motivated he is.. to see that strength and potential.. the determination to succeed in life... so touching can b... both of us are willing to work for the future... ashideeq... heeeeh... brings a smile to my face everytime... the path now seems so bright.. so clear... all thanks to ma baybee... u motivate me just as much sweetie... i dunno where i'd be or wat i'd do wifout u... adam boy, i have so much faith in you... remember, i am gonna be a gorgeous tai tai... hahaha... b, u finally realise the potential that u have... and u are willing to create that future for us... that dream alive... i have so much to thank you for baybee... its undescribable this feeling...

tml i'm gonna hit town with nufail.. gonna have a haircut... crossing my fingers that i wont turn out like a giant pineapple... hahaha... or turn our ugly... hahaha...

youuuu andd meee... noe wats going on...

2004-10-26T02:23:00.000+08:00

heyyyaaaaa...

its 2.22 am... gotta go werk tml at 10.. but cant sleep... baybee is over at darryl's place... checking out vidoes... *raises eyebrows*... nothing kinky now btw the two of u ayee... heeeeh....

so spent the whole day with adamsies.... eeeyyyeeeeerrr.. i tell you... adam is such a kontol boy... from the start makes my blood boil and drive me up the wall... teased me like fark liddat... *pouts* soooo meann... made me walk away from him 2 times... hahaha... and den after lunch at simpang we headed to HSA to pay the smoking fine adam had to pay... hahahha... we soo kontol can... hahahah...we got lost in singapore trying to find the HSA building... blame it on the map arhh.. stupid hopeless map... hahaha... at the end of the day, no matter how high u make my blood boil, u noe i larve you to bits and pieces.. geeeez, wat wud i do wifout my baby... mebbe being siamese twins is a bad idea after all.. hahahaha... lets just stick to being each other's half yeahs...

and...... i'm YET to meet your girlfriend my child.... confirm arh somewhere around this week...

the weather now so nice and cold... i wanna snuggle snuggle up to adam cannnnn.... hahahaha... *smiles blissfully*

and wooooooohooooooooooo!!! i passed all my papers.. tho not excellent grades, i am contented with the D's and C's i got.. expected... didnt put my best... hahaha... weeeee... NO SUPP PAPERS!!! means a long holiday till 6 dec... yeeeeehhaaawwww!!

b, i'm soo glad you've finally have a clearer vision on wat u intend to do in future and told me about it...its gonna be difficult getting thru ur mom and dad, but i noe things will pull thru... now, u have a plan.... and i am extremely excited that you have an idea about your future... makes me smile... tho i might be hard on you and disagree wif u regarding many matters, you have to noe that you'll have my support... i'll owaes be behind you... to knock sense into that head of yours... to be theree for you when u need me...

and everytime that we'd... oOoOoh... i'm more in love wif you......

2004-10-24T20:52:00.000+08:00

weeeeeeeeeeeee!! my blog!!! i miss you!! *hugs and kisses my blog*

much happened since the last entry...
but i kinda forgot all that has happened....... heeeeh.

i miss nufail extremely... so so so so so so so much..... i can visit u tau.. bcos my mom said i oredi had my bout of chicken pox...so i wont get even if i kiss and smooch u nufail!!! get well soon ok....love u love u love u...

i've realised something. that things btw me and abeen, dey can never be like before... tho we're all good, happy-go-lucky and everything, i noe situations have definately changed... its never gonna be like mai and sab like it used to be... its definately saddening... something which i never ever wanted to happen btw us, but somehow, i noe that the rift is unavoidable. after wat happened. well, things definately happens for a reason... but i cannot deny that the bond btw me and abeen will never be like before... so nufking depressing everytime the thought comes to my mind... tho the bond and the tightness between us has changed... i noe one thing for sure... the love i have for abeen hasnt swayed not even one bit...

danial is growing bigger and bigger everyday... and cuter too.. so fat and chubby. he has definately brought so much joy and happiness the house... everytime i come home, i look forward to that little bundle of joy... danial is definately a gift from god to our family.... :)

and to adam... you're the best thing that has happened to me... a god sent angel... u're owaes there for me.. to catch me when i fall.. to cheer me up when i'm down.. to make me smile again when i frown.. you're everything i cud ever asked for.. ever wanted.. ever needed.. seriously b.. you're the one keeping me sane... keeping me on track... you make me realise i have a goal to work towards too.. a dream... our dream.. :) we've hit a month... i'm soo looking forward to our years together... or shud i say forever??? you're my everything adam... love youuuuu soooooooo mucchhhhhhh!!!!

"There is nothing like a DREAM to create a future"

2004-10-16T01:06:00.000+08:00

15.08.2004

u LIED to me... and
u made me sad.
u made me disappointed.
u made me so worried.
u made me want to dig ur guts out.
u made me so mad.
u made me cry.
u made me realise how so so so much i love you.
*pouts*

baybee, please dun ever ever ever do that again....

2004-10-14T15:47:00.000+08:00

i am so in love with you boy. :)

the 3 days spent wit him was awesome... heeeh... every moment with you is so very bliss can?? so much happened in 3 days bee... and i am soo happy i cud be there to go thru everything with you... i wanna be there to hold ur hand, hug u, comfort u and kiss all your problems away... i wanna be there for you owaes... i feel so much closer to you... geeeznesss... i need u!!! dats wat i just realised... u are not just a want, u are my need, my neccessity... not seeing u today was horrible enuff wokay!! dun make me feel so guilty can??!!??

i miss ma baybee oredi. i miss chilling out with you, having a good laugh with you.. dang, i miss everything bout you boy. tho you drive me crazy and up the wall 3/4 of the time... haha... our one month coming soon sey... it doesnt feel like one month at all.. spending time wif you seems sooo.. fast... a month feels like a day... aiyarr... dun make miss you soo much can bee?????? sigghhss..

so here i am.. watching soap operas, taking care of baby danial... he's the cutest thing ever.... heee sooooooo cutee larr.... he's a japanaese punk rocker baby... heeeeh...

tml we meet up k my baybee?? promise promise!

adam shah, you're my everything.

geezness.

2004-10-06T21:05:00.000+08:00

dedications

sabreena- i dunno if your wound has healed fully, or if a scar would owaes remain, but i wanna say again that i am so very sorry that you had to go thru all that shiet. u mean so so so so much to me dear... if only i could protect you from all the pain, hurt.. but... i noe i cant... i dun want any crack or fragilty in our friendship... i want it to be tight again... like old days... i noe its hard, but i feel that we are building up again our friendship. i had fun chilling with you guys at simpang... so much fun... if only you could feel the euphoria i felt when you hugged me so tight again, and told me, 'i love you.' my spirits soared once again... for so long, you havent did dat. and i wanted to squeal in joy and do the chicken dance. i love you my abeen. can u call u my mogu from now?? mogu mogu mogu... so comfy, so soft, soooo cuddly...heeeh.

nufail, i noe you're going thru a shiet phase now... so much shiet happening at such a time... but sweetheart, everything is gonna be alrite... hold on to the faith... you have to be strong woman.. remember, i am here for you... i will be that pillar of support... u noe i will be behind you in everything dat u do, to pinch that arse of yours.. heeh.. i mean i wud be behind you in supporting you in wateva decisions that you make.... but can i still pinch your ass?? pretty please? everything is gonna work out just finee.. everything happens for a reason.... and something good will surely come out of any situations. you and abeen both make me such a complete person... i dunno wat i wud do witfout the bof of you... bof of you play such a major role in my life, VIP's tau... need me to gif u exclusive passes to my life? heeeh... i love you my butterfly and my star... :)

to sheena and yana, get well soon wokay... u guys look damn freaky lorrr... likee really freaky... hahaha.. sorry sorry.. it'll get better and u will look soooooo much more gorgeous-er.. it was great to meet up wif the bof of u again after sooo longg...

aaron- come back from camp quick... simpang is not soo simpnag-ish wifout ur presence... and i bet you didnt noe you're in the yamakasi gang ritteeee???? well, YOU ARE!! SURPRISE!! you're spider by the way... heeeheee.. come back and we all will scale walls and parkour together... all the seven of us, u, adam, me, nufail, abeen, sheena and yana.. :)

bob,maria, bear- I MISS YOU ARSES!!!!!!!!! :(

and most importantly,
adam- if only i cud tell you how much u mean to me, how much i love you, how much i need you in my life. when things are soo down, u lift it up again and soar my spirits up... i loveee u sooo, i'm the one who wants you, i'm the one who wantss you, oohhh wo ohhhhh.... heeeh... you brought the term life and love to another different level to me... i will never be able to tell you how much i love you in words... baybee, you noe i can never let you go... i noe that i didnt have a clean record in the relationship department, but i'd never do anything to hurt you... remember bee, thiss i promisssee you..... *winks2* geeez, i love you tau boyfriend.....

and to me, I HAVE TO LOSE WEIGHT!! adam was laughin at my double chin, my bulging tummy, love handles and flabby arms... geeez. thanx arh!!! bee, you'll still love me rite even if i grow fat like that nutty professor's mama?? rite rite rite??? heeeeh... neeed to start working out!!! exercise lazy biatch!!!!! my eyes starting to feel sore a bit.. sore eyes????? noooooooooooo!!!! huahaha.. wokay, gotta get back to studying ffb science... bleaghhh.. laters!

2004-10-05T01:12:00.000+08:00

flooding adam's photo gallery part 2. heeeh..

2004-10-05T01:11:00.000+08:00

flooding adam's photo gallery PART 1

2004-10-05T01:09:00.000+08:00

teeeheee.. aint we sweet??

2004-10-05T01:07:00.000+08:00

ma bebeee and mee... kewl pic aye..

2004-10-04T02:11:00.001+08:00

scareee me!

2004-10-04T02:11:00.000+08:00

scarreee me!!

2004-10-04T02:06:00.000+08:00

weeeee!

2004-10-04T02:01:00.000+08:00

adamaiNIAC.

adam shah.

2004-10-04T01:28:00.000+08:00

The many many things i LOVE ABOUT
ADAM SHAH. :)

1. how u are owaes there for me
2. how u are owaes a listening ear, a crying shoulder
3. u owaes tolerate my nonsense, irritatingness, my quirks
4. the way you protect me
5. the way u react after i mess wif your mind
6. how u owaes gimme butterflies in my tummy when i think of you
7. how i can sooo be myself when i'm wif you
8. how you mess with MY mind :P
9. your perception of life
10. each and every conversation we have
11. how u stare at the guys who check me out.. heeh..
12. your cheeky monkiness.. *cheeky smiles*
13. the way you owaes soothe me and comfort me when i flabergasted and frustrated
14. the way you look at me
15. the way you looked at me everytime after we'd..............
16. your sexy sexy sexy eyes after we kiss
17. your sexxxyy arms+6/8packs+your on-the-way defined chest
18. how sexy you make me feel even after a hearty meal and i look like as if i am 3 months pregnant. heeeh.
19. how u tolerate my over excessive eating habits.
20. the way you wrap your arms around me, and whisper in my ears
21. you owaes owaes make me laugh wif your silliness
22. how you love me for me
23. how sexcited you make me feel even wif just a peck on the lips.
24. how you owaes make each and every single second spent wif u so meaningful and fun
25. how u accept me for who i am
26. the way you are soo open wif me
27. how u let me flood your picture gallery wif my pics.. heeeh.
28. your sense of humour
29. the way you talk
30. the way u walk
31. how u carry yourselve
32. how i owaes want to yum you and sex your munkey.. heeeeh.
33. u make impossible things, possible.
34. how we share our hopes, aspirations together
35. the way u make me feel so proud of u that i want to show u off to the world
36. the way you hold my hand, makes me feel so safe and secure
37. the way you play wif my hair
38. your spontaniousness
39. how you owaes say out aloud wat you feel and think
40. how u owaes bite my shoulders and gimme that cheeky look
41. your drive and determination on what you want
42. how generous you are wif your cd's.. heeeeh..
43. how u are owaes willing to fetch me from home, and send me back home
44. how perfect u make me feel when we're together
45. the way u sing songs to me and we sing songs out of tune together
46. the euphoria u make me feel when we're together
47. the way u respect me and my decisions
48. your strength, caringness
49. the way you love me. its blissfully perfect.
50. hell.... i love everything about you! :)

3 years of being friends... who wud have thought we cud have got to this point aye baybee?? 18.09.2004. sooo intoo you... been thru a lot... so much ups and downs... dang, when you wanna marry me adam boy??!!?? quick quick can??!! :)

sunday.

2004-10-04T01:08:00.000+08:00

weeeewwweettt!!

it was a superific sunday.

woke up at bout 12 plus.. rolled around the bed. den called mr.boyfriend to WAKE HIM UP. den he said he'll come pick me up at my staircase at 3pm SHARP.

den we headed to tampines... to play arcade game... teeheee.. so kental can u adam.. play virtual striker but lost so fast siar.. one of the shortest game i ever seen u played.. tsk tsk... so den we went to eat at S11.. bbq chicken rice... so shiokkk cann!!! weeeee!! laparr!! after a hearty meal, we walked around aimlessly around tampines can... eeeyyyyeeeerr.. so boring siarrr TM.

so we headed to tanah merah to chill a while... it was fun... kissing u in the rain.. in the middle of everywhere like nobody's bizness... the raindrops falling on us.. my eyes shut so tight.. u embracing me in your arms... your luscious lips upon mine... tasting the rain and your kisses at the same time... u keeping me warm from the chill... bliss. absolute blissfulness... i broke the good news to you... the excitement and joy from your face was wat i asked god for... :) i'll never leave your side baybee...

den we sat down at a hut so that i cud write sab's b'day letter.. i miss writing her letters... i remember every year wifout fail i wud give her a letter... this year, the letter is much more meaningful... once again, happy berfday love!! you're 17!!! ARRGHH! heeeeh.... den we headed to simpang we we gave sab a surprise b'day bash... wokay, not exactly a bash but yeahs.. hope u liked the small gift me and adam bought you... :)

to all the ones i love... nufail, abeen, yana, sheena, aaron, maria, bob, bear, syaf... i love you guys and you make my life soo beautiful.....

to the one and only one i love, adam shah... u showed me the meaning of love... :)

yeeehaaawww.

2004-10-03T01:28:00.000+08:00

goshh... wats up wif this guy fella huh??!!?? wats ur problem dude?? got no balls to tell us ur identity is it?? thanx to nufail, i got a pic of me and adam on my blog.. yesh ppl... dats my love rite there... i will love no one like i love him... so to guy, GET A LIFE SUCKER!!

today is abeen 17th b'day. tho u are not here in spore to celebrate it... i wanna wish u HAPPY BERFDAY GERLFREN!!!!!! i misshhh u likee helll.... so so much.. i love you so damn much.. and after everything that has happened, i hoped that we're still tight like b4. cos dear, i never ever wanna lose something so precious like you. i love you sabreena akbal!!

to nufail, u have no idea how much u mean to me.. such a beautiful person... u are truly my angel sweetie.. my beautiful angel... thanx fer uploadin the pic for me.. i'd be a dumb IT illiterate bitch if not for u... heeeh... u are my gerl soulmate.. :)

to baybee.. u noe i'll place no one above you... u are truly, the king of my heart and soul... nothing wud change dat.. on the bench or on the field.. nyeahahaha... you are worth every bit of my love... dun care wat ppl say... dun let it affect you cos baybee.... you noe dat i'll love no other... like i love you... happy 2 weeks!! :)

adam shah, kiter sayanggg awaakkkk!!!!! heeeh...

2004-10-03T00:34:00.000+08:00

us.

1.31am

2004-10-01T01:29:00.000+08:00

adam is at simpang chilling wif aaron. so no late nite fone convo wif him tonite. i think i irritaated adam just now.. kept calling him and pestering him while he was chilling wif aaron. geez. sorry can.

now i am bored. i am so bored. eeeyyyeeeer.. and boyfriend is busy outside. how stagnant life is wifout him. *bleagh* uh ohh... i am starting to get very dependent on him... UH OH. dis is not good. i dun wanna be those clingy type of gerls who cling onto their boyfriend like glue. i dun wanna be the type of gerlfren who relies and depends on her boyfriend EVERY SINGLE TIME. no no no.

damnit. i need a fag.

eeeyeer/

2004-09-30T23:10:00.000+08:00

EEEYYYYYEERRR. there is something terribly wrong wif the fonts wit my previous entry.. so ppl whu are curious to check out my entry, cos its really long and juicy, cut copy and paste to words and make the font BIG BIG wokay. wait. dat whole sentence sounded wrong. NYEHAHA.. well... today was thursday. adam didnt have soccer. so we chilled out till i had to go for my religious class... he picked me up from home at aabout 1.30 plus liddat.. den we headed to simpang to eat lunch. black pepper chicken rice. YUMMY. den we headed to marine parade library to study. which i did. YAY! den we went to simpang again to eat dinner. har de har har. to eat prata. shoknyer. baybee... next time remember to sms me 'u ngah buat aper' and shiet like dat. den say, take care... NYEAHAHAHA.. wokay wokay, private lame joke which cracked me up like nuts... HAhAHAH. den while we chilled under the blocks, we saw this cat that looks like a cow man... HAHAA.. adam made some weird noise, a cross between a cow and a cat.. went something like mooooeeeooowww.. HAHAHAHA... den in the bus, dere was this poor, tired gerl which slept in the backseat next to us.. adam was sooo evil... go and kacau the gerl.. make moo noises... snore noises lar... shibaaii larr u.. HAHAHAHA... had tons of laughs today.. wait, wif adam, there's owaes tons and tons and tons of laughs.. i think hanging out wif u rite bee, no need do abs exercise.. i'll get abs from larfing to much.. hahaha... den at the stairs i stumbled and fell a bit. THANX FER LARFIN UR ARSE OFF ARH ADAM. great help. *pouts* hahaha... baybee when the lights goo off..... heeee..

abeen.. i read ur latest entry. :) i still lurve u so much. and i miss u. so badly.

nufail.. U ARE MY WORLD LARLING!! lupps u deeps deeps.

yummy yummy yummy... adam, i still want to yum u can? u are my universe adam boy.. :)

time seems to be passing by quick. dunno how soon.. how soon till i'll leave on a jet plane.

2004-09-30T13:41:00.000+08:00

i woke up at 12.30 cos i remembered i had a breakfast date wif adam. hahaha.. so i called him, AND HE WAS SLEEPING, WIF ANOTHER MAN. HAHAHA... farniee siar...atif(adam's cute soccer fren) overnite at adam's place cos dey went to simpang till 5.30 am. two kopet boys in a kopet world... tak mandi... eeyyyyerrrr.... geezzz.. so adam told me to quickly get over to his house... hahaha.. wait for u at the bus stop so long can... *pouts*.

so at bout 1.45pm, me adam and atif headed to simpang to eat. actually dey drank and i ate. hahaha. atif very farnie arh... he got a pretty gerlfren.. faza... dey so long together, 1 years plus.. wow.. apparently atif is also a geylang united soccer player, together wif adam, and dey had a match today and adam cajolled me to go.. harhar.. the tot of sitting down alone at a soccer match sounded quite scary. but thank gawd for faza.

den we went to met faza after i ate... at bedok south... thank god we cud at least communicate... she soo sweet siar... tapau for atif food from home... sighs... one day i tapau for u maggi asam pedas or maggi curry if u want to k baybee? teeehee... so atif went home, faza went home and i sent adam home.

while the larling goes home and takes his time to change and all, i waited for him at the park and played swings all by myself... solitude. the breeze, the rustle of the leaves, the dewy smell of the rain. and adam on my mind. sweet.so after many many minutes of waiting, adam finally appeared. LIKE FINALLY BOYFRIEND. *rolls eyes uncountable number of times*but damn, he was worth the wait. came out smelling like calvin klein*sniffs2*, with his soccer attire. geez, i never tot i'd say dis to you, but hell, i want to yum you in your soccer attire. *cheeky smiles*

headed to the stadium, where i waited for faza at the bus stop and adam went to warm up in the stadium... hahaha.. faza came, we watched the match, along wit the other soccer players gerlfren's... hahaha.. faza is atif's girlfriend, nurul is omal's girlfriend, and hamizah is bull's girlfriend. and when the girls ask me who's girlfriend i am, i proudly said, "Adam." :) and they were likee OoOoOo.. adam... secretly rolled my eyes when they went "oOOooOooO, adam yang pergi poly tu eh?" hahaha.. yes sweeties, he is in tp, in IT course. *rolls eyes again*den the gals started to interrogate me about adam, and asked about us.

such questions was;
- how long u and him? (a week ++)
- how long u noe him? (3 years ++)
- how u get to noe him? (schoolmates)likeee wokayyyy..... *hides in a corner*

den we discussed some stuff, like our boyfriend's bodies.. HAHAHAHA. how muscular their chests are, their arms and crap... nurul and faza told me that adam was the ferst soccer player they noticed on the pitch. wokaaaayyyy... *rolls eyes again and again* dun kembang arhh u noww adam...

even tho u were sitting at the bench... u made my heart swooned. we soo kental can.. haha.. stealing glances, u from the bench, me from the grandstand... teeehee.. mentelnyer... ahaha... lookin u sittin at the bench still made my heart skipped a beat when i see u. regardless on the field or on the bench, u still rock my smelly socks.. or is it ur smelly soccer socks?? HAHA...smelling sooooo damn good after the match. make me melts can... den we took 2 to send me home... and sitting there in the bus, all snuggled and cuddled in ur arms, makes me never ever wanna board down dat damn bus.. HAHA.. i cant stop sniffing u larr.. stop smelling soo freakin good CAN??? haha.. wait, pls stay smelling freakin good so i can sniff u more.. :)

den it was time to go. we parted wif a sweet goodbye kiss.and guess wat, i can still feel ur kiss lingering on my lips. :)

takee mee ouutttt.... tonitee.....

teheee.

2004-09-29T03:33:00.000+08:00

i was in my kitchen, on the hunt for food.. so i came across 2 sachets above the microwave. munchy mushroom and corny corn soup. i erupted in laughter all by myself. my mom came out and thought i was going nuts. teeheee.

back in my room, in high hopes to study, the cookies, brownies and chips in my room distracted me so badly. i chucked my papers and books to a hidden part of my room so dat i could have more space for the famous amos, chips a hoy, yan yan, cheese ruffles and this sinfully heavenly chocolate brownie. damn, it was awfully heavenly...

so later after munching down the food, i went to to kitchen to throw the packets. discovered more food. took it to my room and just munch it down. again. i dunno if i am suppose to feel guilty after chomping down on all those food, the thought of kilocalories.. but I DONT. AHA.

minutes later, i sat down on the comfy leather chair, in front of the screen, blog hopping about. i read her old entries. it was extremely heart wrenching to go thru her old entries. i felt her pain. it was a horrible feeling.

i noe ppl think that i am such a bitch. a whore. been getting all these hate messages from ppl. wat the flying fuck... mind ur own bizness cibais... its getting so sick... ppl msging me from many mediums just to tell me how much they think a bitch i am. well, fuck off losers. u can go to hell for all i care. go find something else betta to do den waste ur time and money on sending me hate mails and messages, cos seriously, U MEAN NOTHING IN MY LIFE ASSHOLES.

talking about assholes, i am reminded of the sick sick concert video that was played at bryne's house.. horrible. *shudders*. bryne, u are a helluva talented guitarist... u left me gasping in awe just now.

nufail, thanx fer the stick dudette... wat he text u was extremely sweet. and wat u text him back was even more sweeter... thanx for pouring ur heart out to me babyy.. dun worry, i will be ur crying shouldeer, ur listening ear...i dun mind a single bit at all wokay... love u adolf hitler. fists?? muahahahaha.

i never regretted dat WE happened. never ever will. so much we went thru together in just a week. so so so so much obstacles, troubles, hardships. i swear, never have i went thru so much together with a guy. true colours showed. and babe, i love every single colour of yours.. :) gracias once again baybes.

wokay. i am getting hungry again. wat a pig. i noe i noe. later.

2004-09-28T22:56:00.000+08:00

would anyone like to adopt me? pls?
*puppy dog face*

plunging down.

2004-09-28T01:03:00.000+08:00

i never tot working closing at fish and co can be dis tiring. well it is very tiring. my feet are aching. my back feels like breaking and my mind is in a state of mess. the only people keeping me strong is my adolf hitler, my mr.clumsy---Nufail. babes... things will work out wokay btw u and issas. if fate wanna bring u two together, it will wokay? i still love u and will be here when u need a ear. :) another pillar of strength is my dear baybee... adam, i dunno wat i'll do wifout u... seriously...u're keeping me sane and alive... i noe bof of us are at a very shaky period.. bof me and u... but u got me wokay? i made a pinkie promised i'll be here for u and i have no intentions of breaking it... my world is starting to evolve around u dear... i'll be fine as long as u're here wif me. :)
i might be going to indonesia. dunch noe for how long. no matter wat, THERE IS NO WAY I AM LEAVING.. NO WAY. fifi, indra... thanx yar fer yaa concern... bibik and mamang can adopt me rite? ahaha. yani dun be so depressing can... i'm thinking positively... and dere is no absolute way i am leaving.. no no no. ummi telling me to pack oredi. fark it. no way geddit?! i worked my ass off to get into a school of my choice and now u just wanna crush it... wtf. i am not leaving mom and dad. and u cant force me.

exams are coming.. and i havent start studying... tml must start can????? pls pls pls.. i need to study... or else i am so screwed....

bobbie... thanx dear... ur da ultimatest abang and fren. :) sayang dier.. together wif maria...

days would be so cold and empty wifout you my dears... adam, nufail, maria, bobbie, bear... u guys rocks my socks off!!

NO ONE

2004-09-27T23:54:00.000+08:00

NOBODY LOVES ME ANYMORE.
*pouts*

2004-09-26T22:28:00.000+08:00

To the one and only, the forever, my favourite little boy, my man..
Adam Shah... :)

Loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful,
and making love with you is all I wanna do.
Loving you is more then just a dream come true,
and everything that I do is out of loving you.
la la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la
la...do do do doo ohhhhhhhh
No one else can make me feel the colors that you bring.
Stay with me while we grow old and we will live each day in the
springtime.
'Cause loving you has made my life so beautiful,
and everyday of my life is filled with loving you.
Loving you, I see your soul come shining through,
and everytime that we, oohh..
I'm more in love with you.
la la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la
la...do do do doo ohhhhhhhh
No one else can make me feel the colors that you bring,
Stay with me while we grow old and we will live each day in the
springtime.
'Cause loving you is easy 'cause you're beautiful,
and every day of my life is filled with loving you.
Loving you, I see your soul come shining through,
and everytime that we, oohh..
I'm more in love with you.
la la la la la, la la la la la, la la la la la la la la la la
la, do do do doo...oohhhhh.

seronokneyrrr... heehee...

?

2004-09-25T22:46:00.000+08:00

I NOE WHEN YOU ARE LYING.

fabulous friday.

2004-09-24T16:47:00.000+08:00

today is fabulous friday. or at least that's wat we claim today to be. huahahaha... farniee siar... but by the looks of it, it a fantastical fabulous friday with the farkin sun shining down on our unprotected heads, causing brain damage, skin cancer and many other sun diseases from the sun. i bet if i was to break an egg on the road it will quickly cook... huahaha... so hot cannnn today.... so i woke up at 8.30am to log on online on ole-bb to do an online class shiet. till 9am. so daft i swear to u the system. gosh. so was suppose to have breakfast at simpang, but mr.iwenttosimpangtill5amyestsoitshardtowakeupontime over there just had to wake up one hour later... *pouts* in the process of waiting for him to call back, i went back to sleep. HAH. so he called me at 10.30 plus to happily get my ass down to simpang at 11am. huahaha... or shud i say HE DEMANDED AND GRUMBLED i get there AT 11am. so i took my time to get ready and den, many minutes later, i found myself in front of his computer at his house going thru blog skins with him. kental arhh you... dunno how to do.. so i being the intellectual, independent and loving gf gave in and did his blog and blog skin... thehorror going thru each and every blog skin dat doesnt appease his satisfaction... finally, I emphasise FINALLY he decided to settle for a simple, nice, greyish template... wit the help of nufail on the phone sounding all frustrated... kontol arh we baybee.. hahahaha.. den we chilled at his house and all... den at 2 we went to simpnag to eat. den met daryl there.. den we talked and ate.. den went to see puppies.. soo cuteeee!!! i want!!! fur so fresh and thick... so gerammmm!!! so now, i'm in the skool library waiting for that kental IT boy to end his class at 6. ahahaha... the things i'd do for him... ahaahaa.. might be going for a rock climbing comp tml at SP.. fiza told me... i wanna go!!! but i dun think i'll be climbing tho.. so long never train... geez.. i really miss rock climbing can... the whole rock team calling me kao pei... the thrill of climbing... i am soo gonna start training as soon as exams are over... and i miss all my gerlfrens... all of ya guys... abeen, fail, maria, syaf, yana, sheena.. the rock gerls and guys... ira.. lynn.. mona... and of course, aaron. sheeesh.. dats a lot.. hahaha.. wokay larr... its getting so long readyy.... ehehe...byeee...

so tml, i hope its gonna be a superific saturday for everyone.
sun sun go away... pls come again another day. like when i want a tan.

haha.

2004-09-24T01:31:00.000+08:00

well... looks like everyone gots a blog...huahaha... so kewl can...everyone but adam... so kental, dunno how to do... i'll try to do one fer you tho i am computer illiterate... wat kinnda IT boy are u... tsk tsk tsk... hhahahs. so today we called it things gonna get betta thursday. hopefully babes, hopefully. i just want you guys to know dat even tho we are happy together, your happiness would mean soo soo soo much to us. i dun like seeing everyone so stressing can... so today i had a presentation, was all donned out in formals.. fucking heels killing me the whole day... i will never ever use heels ever again. soo mean arh u adam... HMMPPH! *pouts* the presentation sucked like hell.. fumbled so much. stuttered so much. bleagh. hope i dun screw things up. i just realised i'll be having my exams in weeks time and i havent started studyin anything. this feels horrible. i dun wanna fail can... i have no fucking idea on microecons... so so so screwed. got 2 weeks to study... he gonna be my studyin kaki and studyin motivator. STUDY STUDY STUDY! we're startin tml wokay? den after skool, had to do some stupid project arh... com skills.. absolutely URGH. den thank god i met up wit him after dat... made my day soo much brighter... so blissful can... treated me to teh peng and coke.. and prata... gawd... i missed the taste of teh pengs... memories just flooded as the taste of teh peng touched the tips of my tongue buds... the ol' days... well... got a bit sad after dat, but he managed to comfort me.. how do u do it lar dey... :) adam and i has been doing lots and lots of thinking... u gonna manage just fine wokay.. soon, you'll have a clearer mind, a brighter and bigger picture of what and how you want your life to be... you will have a bright future... i'm extremely happy that you realised how you want ur life to be... i mean, you're not very very very very very (lemme emphasise on the VERY) clear of wat u gonna do in the future specifically.. but i'm happy dat you want a successful and a career you are passionate about... and i am even more happy that i am included in that future.. :) babes, its no rush that you have to have a clear plan of what u wana do in future... just dat you gotta start embarking on the journey to find that passion, career and future... just wanna let u noe dat i am here along the way to guide you, support you and love you.. i'll try to knock some sense into that head of yours anytime u get nonsensical.. hahaha.. ooooh weee... i'll be here for you babes... i'll be like 89.7 at Simpang.. 24 hours, i will owaes be here when u need me... but i did confessed... i am scared of getting all hurt again... i am scared of going thru all that emotional shit again... u promised you wouldn't.... pinkie promise arh...

aniwaes, the 5 bitches of BDS gathering at maria's house this sunday... hope we have a great time.. wait.. WE WILL have a great time.. we owaes have...gerrll powerr... more neh groping... heh.. we all will have good, clean lesbian fun... muhahahaha... i miss u gerls very much... lorves yoo !!! each and every single one of you... :)

wokaayyy larr... gonna go study fer a bit now... later... aye baybee... seronok nyer... HEEEEH....

lonely

2004-09-22T23:27:00.000+08:00

today was weepy wednesday.. haha.. sticky monday, terrible tuesday and now weepy wednesday.. lame fine i know... so i went to school... met adam in btw breaks... he's the one keeping me going on nowadays... when things and situations feel and get so down, he makes it all feel better again. had a 6 page report to do just now. was suppose to be 2 months quality work... but i did it in a farkin day... gonna be crap i tell you... horrible... geez... den had to do cs surveys.. went around skool asking ppl to do surveys.. quite fun actually.. muahaha... i was thinking bout things just now.. adam... sab... aaron.. nufail.. everyone important in my life... i am so thankful adam's dere for me when things are so down in the dumps... i noe he is very bothered and stressing over all this messy situation... hang on tight... dis is gonna be one bumpy ride... but we gonna pull thru aite... pls dun feel so down please? its just killing me to know dat u are so down, stressed over wat has happened and u're not telling me... i hate not being able to cheer u up... i hate being helpless in this situation... i hate seeing u sad like that babes... this is affecting us too much... way too much....but i'm staying strong for you....
sab needs space from me... loads and loads of it... i understand... so i shall not make things any worse. i shall give u the space u want.
aaron cant face me... wokay... why?? pls tell me sumbody, cos its driving me crazy thinking bout it... farkin confusing.
nufail. u r my china porn star. huahaha.. u make my day bright again... gosh i love u.
maria, u made me feel so much betta.. thanx for talking to me.. thanx for comforting me... thanx thanx thanx...
bob, ur sms really touched me deep...'always be happy with your decisions. friends and happiness r keys to happy life... think about that... true friends are worth fighting for... i love you adek.' i love u too abg.. but i love maria more... hahaha.. kidding.. i love u two equally... :)

so, many things are happening at once... many horrible things... i mean, i am embracing my happiness with adam... but i do need happiness of my friends too... sab, nufail, aaron, yana... yana, i read ur blog, dun be too stressed can... u gonna make it wokay... keep the faith... i am looking forward to a brighter future for everyone... i want things to work out again for everyone.. and syaf, u are MIA-ing... i miss u sooo much! to everyone who's affected by this situation, i just want you guys to noe that i miss tha times... till then, pls tc.

whur..

2004-09-22T01:32:00.000+08:00

"Time will heal all wounds, but the scar remains."

where did u MIA to, aaron? i miss you.

U deserve the happiness and not the distractions and problems i'm causing u. its ur turn to be happy for once Nufail. U and issa, u got my two thumbs up. :)

Baby Danial, the happiness you bring to the family, its absolutely undescribable. :)

Bob, Bear, Maria. fish and co for lunch again?

Last, definately not the least, u comforted, assured, and cheered me up. Promising a brighter future wif you. uphold the faith dear? things will get betta soon? hopefully. we'll get thru this mess. Adam Shah, thanx. :)

to abeen

2004-09-21T22:03:00.000+08:00

To sabreena, my best friend, my happiness, my world...

i noe dat u are hurting now... and i understand that you want your space from me rite now... i'm sorry that u have to go thru this shit... i'm sorry that i hurt u... i noe all the sorry's in the werld from me wont change a thing rite now.. i noe sure that the sight, sound of me probably makes u sick... being alone from me probably will make u feel betta, happier... but i noe for sure, that this distance between me and you is killing me... i cant stand to see u hurtin, and i am not there to be there for you... i cant stand to see our friendship go down because of a guy... we made a promised our friendship wont change over a guy... but it is sab... i noe that u feel like i have betrayed you... i have abused your trust... i didnt noe why all this had to happen... i didnt expect for all this pain and misery... i didnt plan for anything to bloom.. i didnt expect to find happiness again in someone i KNOW i shouldnt have... but its to late for me to take back everything... everything happens for a reason... but somehow or rather, i have the upmost faith in our friendship sab... i never ever want things to change between us... our friendship means a whole lot to me.. more than anything.... i dunno if this is gonna affect our frenship for the worst... but i just want you to know, that i would be lost if i lost u or nufail... i'd lose my joy.. i love you soooo much... so so so so much... and i miss u so badly. i will owaes love u sab... no matter wat happens.... sabreena, ur my world, my everything.... i will never stop loving you till the end of time... and i would not let anything ruin the special bond i have with u. i love you sabreena, can?

love.

2004-09-21T21:54:00.000+08:00

yeahh pedro le tulip... i agree... i am making things worst... so dats why i just decide to let this go... its no use for me to get worked up over this and exagerrate stuff.. i am embracing this with happiness now... thanx... wat a drama queen siaa mai...haha.. sheeshness..so many things going on over such a short period of time... so full of happiness yet sadness, sorrows... in the process of gaining someone u love, u are actualling losing a loved one/ones... i am embracing this with happiness... i'm happy that i found happiness in him... but yet, i cant help but to feel so miserable that it might actually ruin such a beautiful friendship i had wif her... i feel miserable, hurting her... i feel miserable, without her... i feel miserable, not being able to be there for her... i feel miserable, that she needs space frome her... i feel miserable, that i miss her soooo much it farkin hurts... i feel miserable, for all this misery....

wateva lar.

2004-09-20T22:51:00.000+08:00

maybe telling truths arent a good idea... wokayy.. i told her bout us in a vain attempt to want to make situations better... instead of making situations less awkward and sticky and complicated...ITS THE OTHER WAY ROUND. so this is a case of a good intention turn bad... great. great. great. ppl, b4 u carry out any action plan, pls think of the consequences.. pls think b4 u decide to want to be happy. pls think b4 u find urself hopelessly in love wit ur best fren's crush/love... pls think b4 u find urself that u have such a strong connection with that someone.. pls think b4 u find urself having so much chemistry with that someone.. pls think b4 u find urself in a situation where u dun wanna get out, and will never ever wanna get out... yes, i am a bitch, slut, tramp, think think think of all evil names... i just have to be about the most lowliest creature on earth yeahs... yeah, mai such a fucking disappointment to every fucking one... yeah.. i am a fucker..such a fucking slut, such a fucking bitch... all fingers on me... i betta get use to dat dude... perceive me in that light ppl.. go on... i am an evil, conniving, sly bitch which no one shud ever trust... make sure ur boys stay away from me girls, cos i might just decide to be a slut and steal him away from u... no one shud everrrr everrr mix with me wokay... so ppl reading in my blog, run, hide from me... such a creature like me shall not mix wif anyone... u ppl are all waaaaaayyyyyyyyyy toooooo gooood for me wokaayy... run b4 i hurt u in aniwaes.. run run run... and while ur running, shout thiss yeahh, MAI IS A FUCKING TRAMP... hey, i kinda am envisioning myself tied to a pole rite, with ppl all around me chanting SLUT SLUT SLUT, TRAMP TRAMP TRAMP. like the punishment witches get u noe... muahahaha... its like sooo sickening ppl calling me all this fuckin dissing names.. but wateva the bloody hell... i'm just to drained to care anymore. wateva lar. call me wat ever u want to wokayy.. perceive me in anyway u want to wokay.. wateva arh.

babes

2004-09-20T16:03:00.000+08:00

i am slowly finding happiness... so much happiness... the happiness and joy that i had owaes wanted. BUT there is one major problem. shall not go into details..... i am starting to love again. slowly opening up my heart to this guy. someone i least expected who will be there for me... wat a beautiful thing... one thing leading to another... soo beautiful... u are amazing love.... :)

fuck it

2004-09-17T01:40:00.000+08:00

u noe wat.... fuck it lar wokay... i dun give a shit animore bout all this... anymorre... i'm too sick and tired of all these..... complications.... sick of all of the emotional torture... sick sick sick.... i dun give a flying fuck bout wat u gonna do now... wats gonna happen...I AM SICK AND TIRED OF EVERYTHING. lies, deceit... more lies and deceit... and even more lies and deceit... FARK IT.

library

2004-09-15T17:02:00.000+08:00

omnia vincit amor-love conquers all.

last of this week.

2004-09-14T01:26:00.000+08:00

wokayyyyyyyyy..... nuthin much happened over the weekend... ok i am lyin. so much happened over the weekend.. i'm gonna make sure this entry is long, juicy and sweet okies as i wont be blogging any entries for this week. U NOE WHY? cos i have soo many projects and quizes and assignments to do and the deadline is FARKIN HELL FRIDAY. yeah. so it will be a compact week for me. i hope i dun die in the process. nyeahaha.. i wont be going online either much anymore.. gotta start cramming everything soon... i shall have self control and go home straight after skool to study and complete assignments.. cant postpone everything anymore.. eeeeyeeerrr, i'm so stressed over skool.. going thru this process again.. bleagh.. but thank god for skool werk, it does keeps my mind from thinkin of him too much... but goddamnit, i still think bout him can? need to get him out of my systems... (RYTE). if i wanna get over him, i shud be able to, just a matter of how willing i am to do it.. well i guess i dun wanna get over him AT ALL.. muahaha..why oh why?? hopelessly in love. mai mai.. tsk tsk.. he still holds the key to my heart. :) tokin bout love... guess who is in love... GUESS.. haha.. so jealous of u two can?? i need a tp bf.. hahaha.. ok kiddin... all the best to u baby girls.. all my gerlfrens seems to be soo in luve... i am soo happy for them... U GUYS betta treasure ma gerlfrens ARH!! or else!! i loveee u gerls!!! i'll be moving in wif my sis for a period of time.. means i have to give up my room for abang, kak sheikha and baby danial.. cant wait for ur arrival darlz!!COME BACK QUICK! i miss abg soo much... cant wait to see u again abg and kak sheikha.. and baby danial... so yeah, wif studying, packin my stuff, this week is gonna be pretty hectic.. and to luqman, i'm sorry u lost ur fone yeah... but DAMNIT HOW CUD U!! i am in love wif ur fone!!! *growlls* quick go get a new one soo i cant pester u all over again...muahahaha.. miss tokin u you larr dude.. anihows, luqman, u gonna get thru wateva shit ur facin now aite.. cos u helpes me faced the shit phase i was going thru.. :) thanx many many... so for this period, no more nites at simpang...no more happy happy go lucky... i must be serious... to fail and abeen, thanx fer yer concern bout me... i'll quit smoking okay.. just a temporary stres related kinda thing... to bob, bear, maria and fnc gang... i still luv u guys no matter wat.. esp u my 'abang' :) to adam shah, dun werri sweets, things will go ur way one fine day, patience is virtue my friend... we'll be here for u okek?
and for him, that special him..... actions do speak louder den werds.. tho i owaes say i will move on, i am betta off wifout u, i dun need u, i dun love u.... its all CRAP, NONSENSE. cos i will never forget u, ever, i need u... ... i understand our situation, and i dunno wats the outcome of it, our wat the future holds for us. but baby, i love you so very much. hope things will turn out for the betta..... much love...
and to ME, I BETTA STOP SLACKIN AND START STUDYING and DOING PROJECTS AND ASSIGNMENTS... NOW!!! NOW!!! wokaaayy tata!!!!!

*only u hold the key to my heart*

spore idol

2004-09-10T01:17:00.000+08:00

hollllaaaaaaaaaaaaa!!!! didnt go skool todae... woke up late and was really lazy.. so went to the doc's to take mc... heeh... aniwaes, after the doc's we went to la selle to fetch abeen's sister... OMG. like cute guys paradise can?? haha.. actualli only got two lar cute guys, but still.. so stylish.. so gorgeous. haha... welllll... u think he was checkin me out abeen?? haha.. OoOoO La Laa hotness lar.. den after dat we head to town for dinner... at bk.. which was alrite... nuthin amazing... i wanna watch movie.. i need to watch a movie.. gerlfrens, saturday girls day out? i still need retail therapy.. aniwaes, i was thinking of having a hair change... mebbe like highlight it or something... and a cut or wat lar.. dunno lar... luqman, thanx for ur opinions.. i will go the wheelock one, and if it is not nice, i shall blame it on u ya.. :P i have sooo many projects due... so many assisgnments.. one which i really dread is the BCS one... hmmmpph.. i hate doing computer project.. especially if its excel... urrgghh. just now, i didnt noe if i did the rite thing... i smsed him.. askin him how he is... his reply made me miss him terribly more... stupid me... i just had to msg u and make me miss u all over again... sighh... den called luqman straight after dat... he told me its all up to me.. its wheather or not i have enuf self control... wheather or not i wanna hurt myself... haha.. ur my constant self realistion...thank god ur here to knock sense to this head of mine... much thanx.. den after dat we headed to caldecott road, mediacorp studios there.. to watch spore idol.. damn happening!! was cheering for fiq like hell.. screamed, shouted and jumped.. haha.. the girl supporters were dang HOTT lar... pheeewwiitt... soo farnie also.. den at bout 11 me, fail, shaikh took a cab back...me and shaikh went back while fail went to raimah's to meet that U NOE WHO... HMMMMPPHH. jealous siar... lucky biatch.. i've got no one special animore to go for supper... bleagh. thanx fer the tix fail... :) to sabby, i noe how u feel baby... we gonna get thru this(sings to daniel beddingfields gotta get thru this.).. haha.. i need white funky shoes, tops, skirts and bags... dats all... and a belt... I NEED TO GO SHOPPING. quick. hardeharhar.. i have a major test tml and i havent studied a single shit... so screwed... eeeeekkkkss...

still.

2004-09-08T23:27:00.000+08:00

i still want you.
i still miss you.
i still love you.
Still.

*pouts*

thanx

2004-09-08T03:38:00.000+08:00

thanx:
-mummi and papa for providing me shelter, topping up my ez link card and giving me money, but more money would be good. thanx
-nufail and abeen- for just being there, to comfort me, to listen to my ceaseless complaints, stories, heartaches, whines.for being the two beautiful souls u two are. my two important pillars of support and love. thanx for all the advice, late nite conversations. for the shoulders for me to cry on these few days, ur shoulders must be really soggy...for offering me ur companionship, friendship... thank you for just being there for me. u guys mean the world to me. thanx
-maria, yana, bobby, bear- to make me feel betta when i was down in the dumps. cheerin me on constantly. u dunno how much u guys helped me. thanx
-luqman(baze)-u have no idea how ur constant nightly reminder, advice, words of support made me pulled thru..u've been such an incredible companion. owe u big time buddy... :)
-adam shah-for letting me get to noe u betta these past few days. u are a nice person after all.
-adam pop-for being my victim of the night, tolerating my nonsense and emitting ur funny nonsense to ME. hmmmpph. haha..
-ira,monzie,lynn,mas,amalina,shorah-for that incredible girls night out on saturday. i so need it.. lets do it again..

see, i am so grateful to these people.. u guys rock ma werld... u guys made me realised there's much more to life... its true, in every situation, there's is always a positve outcome.. and u guys are part of the positvie outcome... thanx for the love, care, support and advice... gracias...
*its not so bad after all* :)

please

2004-09-08T00:21:00.000+08:00

i'm gonna lock this heart. and throw away the key to a place where no one will ever find it.

lazy day.

2004-09-07T20:57:00.000+08:00

attached to my bed for one whole day. watched tv.. more tv.. and even more tv... i smsed him the nite before... pouring out all my feelings... man.. i'm gonna miss him lar... :( dun wanna talk bout it animore can... depressing... i need happy tots!!like, my next towns day out wif my gerlfrens... scared my wits out yesterday... helped adam pop to find scaree goth pics... darn u... make me do all that... haha.. sighhs... i was watching pearl harbour just now... bad choice of movie of u are oredi down and depressed.. bad bad bad... i cried my wits out, partially becos of him and partially becos josh hartnett died a horrible sad tragic death... eeeeee... i am feeling so emo now... haha... i really need to get myself out of this state... i am afraid i'll slip into a state of depression becos of him... i dun want that to happen... i dun like feeling depressed... we can never ever be together love... its ultra impossible... so i need to crush all hopes of us being together one day. now. like this second can? u noe wat i need?? i need to go out wif my gerlfrens... have a shopping therapy, den indulge myself in comfort foods(ice cream, chocs.. etc..) i need to get out again... i need. i must. for the sake of my sanity... this is soo not healthy.. being emotinal and crap liddat... baaaaaaa¬¬¬
can someone pls help me?? can someone pls help me mend my broken heart?? can someone please help me to forget him?? can can can?? anyone??

today.

2004-09-06T23:10:00.000+08:00

its 10.41pm now... didnt go skool todae... he called me at 11.49am... to meet me. apparently i was asleep till 2 pm so yeah didnt meet him. but i met him later at nite. wif adam. and abeen. and some of sheena's frenz and sheena herself. me and him were sittin at the same table. so near yet so far. well, it wasnt as bad as i tot it wud be. as much as i wanted to hold him, i must limit myself. i need to do this. I MUST. I HAVE TO. i need to draw a line. if i get closer to him, if i get soooo emotionally involve wif him any further, the outcome of our relationship might just crash me into a million pieces. i dun want that to happen. tho i crave for his touch, his time, his attention, HIM. i need to noe my limits.. i realise how selfish i've been these past few days.. such a loser i am... i wanted him so much i didnt think of his happiness.. i only tot of MINE. mine mine mine.if he is happier with her, i have to accept that. i need him to be happy. his happiness makes me happy. i need to face reality. he and her went a long way back, their love just have to runs deep. and i am sure he's much much much happier wif her. and the funny thing is, i am learning to accept that fact instead of being all bitter and jealous. :) reallly!!! she is coming back soon. very very soon. this means i'll be seeing less of him. and i'm sure that the time will heal my wounds. it'll be hard tho, trying to envision him soo happily with her.. but i AM accepting the truth. there's no point being bitter about it.. seriously.. i mean, at least i still have him as a friend. rite?? i believe that everything happens for a reason. every incident will have its positve and negative outcome. i need to take it positively... i dun wanna lose him.. never ever want to.. if i cant have him, i can still have our memories. sweet memories. :) never regretted anything AT ALL. never. wat we had was ultimately special, real and beautiful. but its time for me to draw the line. time for me to move on. time for me to let go.
but baby, i still love u.......

so how now?

2004-09-06T02:58:00.000+08:00

THINGS I NEED TO DO;

- buy
5 tops, 2 bottoms, 1 shoe, and anything that appease my materialistic pleasures.
baby danial's guess overalls
-change bedsheets
-complete projects and assginments
-clean up room
- get over him
-get myself a bath tub

2004-09-06T01:11:00.000+08:00

he told her he dun wanna get close to me cos he dun wanna see me hurt cos he got nuthin to offer. great. he would definately get back to her if he has the chance too. great. wat happened to one day together? words? only words. sad? sadness. cant hold u near anymore. cant love u animore? if only i didnt love u soo much. it'll be much easier. if only u didnt capture my heart and soul. if only u cud see how much u mean to me. if only u cud see how much i love u.

urgh.

2004-09-03T08:33:00.000+08:00

i am suffering from a permenant hangover. bleagh.

stranded.

2004-09-03T00:26:00.000+08:00

You know it only breaks my heart
To see you standing in the dark
Alone waiting there for you to come back
I'm too afraid to show
If it's coming over you
Like it's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to sea
I wanna be with you
If you wanna be with me
Crashing like a tidal wave
I don't wanna be
Stranded
Stranded
Stranded
So baby come back to me [Stranded]
So baby come back to me [Stranded]

I can only take so much
These tears are turning me to rust
You know i'm waiting there for you to come back
I'm too afraid to show
If it's coming over you
Like it's coming over me
I'm crashing like a tidal wave
That drags me out to sea
I wanna be with you
If you wanna be with me
Crashing like a tidal wave
I don't wanna be
Stranded
It's comin' over you
It's comin' over me
It's comin' over you
yeah yeah yeah
I miss you
oh baby
Without you
I'm stranded
I love you
So come back
I'm not afraid to show
Crashing like a tidal wave
Drags me out to sea
I wanna be with you
You wanna be with me
Crashing like a tidal wave
I don't wanna be
Stranded

i am happy yet sad.

2004-09-02T13:34:00.000+08:00

wooohooo.. i'm slackin in school now... feeling hangoverish from yesterday.. hehee... it was all gooooood... :) kakak's fren fetch me at bout 8, went for dinner den we head o go clubbin... thanx for not tellin kakak yeah guys.. heehee.. well, started of just having a few drinks.. den just lounge around... den had more drinks... heehee.. dats when the craziness started... wakakaka.. started groovin to the beats.. dope.. had a great time on the dance floor.. danced wif some guys i dunno and noe.. wakaka.. seriously.. all i remembered was dancing dancing.. den had more shots.. den i was sittin down with liy when this pretty woman approached me and past me some card bout modelling agency crap... told me to give a her a call.. didnt noe where the card went to, dun care oso.. and den, later, another ladie approached me.. haha.. irritating.. liy, if u are readin dis, dun get jealous larr okayy.. they are just blind.. u are 10 time more gorgeous den me darlz... and zack, just tell ur group of guy frenz i am lesbian or a psychotic lil bitch or sumthing aitee.. idiot arh u zack, anyhow pass my number.. HMMPPH! haha... i had loadsa fun just dancin and groovin the nite away.. i shud do dat more often.. realli.. my troubles just vanished. BUT ONLY FOR A WHILE. and JAN, HOW CAN U PASS MY BLOG TO THE REST??!!?? HOW CUD U!!! hahaha.. but nvm lar... thanx for keepin me alive yesterday.. i will never be that drunk ever again.. i promisee!! ok set, we'll be clubbing kakis okey?! haha... anyhows, and TO GUY, stop bugging me!!! just fark off OKAY?? bob bear, sorry i didnt ask.. i jus didnt want to ask.. HAHA... next time lar okay?? nufail, abeen.. u guys are why i am waking up in the morning feelin alive... my pillars of support... and to that special someone(u noe who you are), i still love you tonnes.. the feeling just grows everyday iinstead of reducing.. i noe i shudnt feel like dat, but i just do.. sue my feelings.. ahaha.. even while i was having so much fun.. u were in my thoughts.. every hour, minute, second.. but i noe, i have to get over you. :(

*lovin u more every second of my life*

sheep.

2004-09-02T08:07:00.000+08:00

Tonight. i'll have my flirty skirt with my oh-so-funky white fcuk top on. i'll have my nails painted in the wildest colour imaginable. i'll have my hair all stylishly tousled. i'll smell like lolita lempicka. i'll have my lips glossed. i'll have my lashes curled. i'll have my dancing shoes on. i'll get high and hyped. i'll put on my sexiest attitude. i'll have the time of my life. tonight, i'll be the naughty girl. helllll yeaaahhhhh....

snap out of it.

2004-09-01T15:58:00.000+08:00

TITTLE: SNAP OUT OF IT U SAPPY BIATCH(dat refers to moi)

BAAAAAA¬¬¬(bleets like a sheep) hahaaha.. feel very sheepish... just had a sudden realisation.. I NEED TO MOVE ON DUDE... really... like really really move on.. like i need to just get a new life.. like a revamp in my life... haha... its no point being so sad over this rite?? likee hulllooo!!! life's to short to be sad man... there's so much more to life.. i CANNOT be so hung up over him.. CANNOT MAI CANNOT!! haha.. it was a full yellow moon just now.. freaky seyyy... la la la... geez... i cant be so down anymore cos of him.. i cant cling on to him like the cling wraps at fish and co... i have my friends, i have my passions, like rock climbing and my course... i shud focus on that.. FOCUS... baaaaaaaaa¬¬¬ haha... i mean, if he wanna take things easy.. thats wat we'll do exactly... no more gettin cosy and intimate mai.. NO MOREEE!!! wakakaka.. come on.. i have self-control... i cannot cannot cannot be in love with someone much in love with someone else.. i cant just rot away my life cos of that, RITE?? not now!! noww is timee forr wooooooooooooot weeeeeeeeettttttt and more wooooooott and weeeeeeeett... i feel renewed. rejuvenated. refreshed. i am stupid if i choose to be sad and depressed over him.. seriously... life is just too shortt dude... i need to enjoyyyyy lifeeeee!!!! i'm now gonna embark on my journey as the sassy, independent chic who needs nooooooooooo guy to make her any way special or beautiful... i am on my own now... and i will survive.. hehee.. no man no cry.... CAREFREE, HAPPENING, SASSY life..... HEREEEE I COMEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!

woooot.

2004-09-01T01:32:00.000+08:00

hollaaa... went simpang yesterday. to hang out with adam, nufail. and aaron. the hard part was being at the same table as him and refrain myself from getting cosy and intimate... oh well... sorted things out... we takin things easy for now... i guess i'm ok with dat.. but its gonna be quite heart wrenching for me i suppose to just adore him from afar.. no more kisses.. no more snuggles.. no more lookin into his beautiful green eyes and tell him how much he means to me... life goes on i guess... i MUST start to accept the fact he has her and its going swell... and i'm happy, as long he is happy... really... geez... dats weird...i cant deny the fact that i'm utterly sad tho... BUT yet, i am happy.. for him... :) together one day? i really hope so. patience is virtue i believe. he still means the world to me, my feelings for him havent sway not even a bit... guess life isnt always a bed of roses aye... why do we always want the one we cant have?? sadness.. the only thing i'm lookin forward now is to wednesday.. phuture.. yeah... how i am able to get in?? connections are important dearies.. hehe.. club the nite away... mebbe drown some sorrows in a drink or two or mebbe three... try to have fun... need to be happy ol' me again.. cos a part of my happiness just... died........ aniwaes.. i'm sure the guys will be able to cheer me up with their extremely stupid acts... toodleesss my lovess!!!

wat the hell.

2004-08-31T04:39:00.000+08:00

talked to nufail on the phone yesterday. she adviced me, comforted, like a best fren shud.. thanx sweetie... larvee u much much... geez... nufail knocked some sense into this stupid head of mine... babes, u made me realised where i stand.. how can i be soooo dumb fail??? i mean, eventually, they have each other aniwaes... and i am just NOTHING at all. eventually. i should stop getting emotionally involve wit him???? well, dats gonnnnaa be dammnnnn hard. cos i'm already emotionally involve wit him.. so how?? "just be friends, i dunno wat he takes u for either mai." when u said dat, the pinch is darn painful. friends aye... i think its gonna be hard... "pull yourself out of it mai" another painful pinch.. reality bites... but the big problem is, i CANT pull myself out of it cos i DONT WANT TOO. but i noe I HAVE to... even tho its gonna suck big time.. i absolutely refuse to believe i'm a rebound... i absolutely refuse to believe that me and him-not gonna work out... i absolutely refuse to believe that he wont place anyone above me, not now, but eventually.... BUT, the truth is sinking in slowly... and godamit, the feeling realli sucks... never have i felt like this... tumult of emotions all at once... i'm confuse... soo confuse... i love him to bits and pieces, but is it a one way road in this case? cos nufail told my something. something i never tot of... and it made me realise... now, i just wanna crawl into a cave and just rot...

*why do i have to love u soo much??*

can i die now?

2004-08-30T15:27:00.000+08:00

i am on an emotional roller coaster. really. i dunno how to feel or wat to feel animore. sumtimes i feel dat u love me.. sometimes i dont. goodness. help me.

HMMPH.

2004-08-29T13:38:00.000+08:00

you didnt fetch me. HMMMPPH!! dont you noe how much i miss you my silly boy?? i swear that i cud smell him when i was workin just now. freakiness.wellz... had a long and tirin day at work just now... i was the greeter.. as usual.. freakin hell. customers can be farkin farked up. now my shoulders are absolutely aching.. every inch is aching.. blardee hell..been standing on my feet 9 hours straight.. urgghh..help... haha.. but hell, i'm like attached to fish and co maannn... oh well, i still miss that silly boy... :P
tataaaar(u say sauce.)

la la la.

2004-08-28T15:21:00.000+08:00

weeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee.... today was alrite. had a presentation.. went smoothly altho i did stutter over a few sentences.. all's well's!! hehee.. went to ang mo kio to send him, den went back to skool, met bob and bear and had breakfast, den went for my presentation, den went for ccn day... DEN I FELL HARD ON THE GROUND. i shall not go to further details.... bleagh.. PAISEYYYYYY CANNNNNNNNNNNNNN?????? SHEESHNESS. nufail, abeen.. the secret stay within US... den went home, den went to freshen up, went to ang mo kio fetch him, den went to simpang to chiill with fail, adam, sab and yana.. den went kembangan for some family thingy.. HAHA... can u just imagine the amoutn of money i spend on transporttttt????? hahaha.. all's good... aniwae.. i'm werkin tml... 1-9... dats like, 8 hrs straight dude... nufail, adam and aaron might be going out tml.. HUMMPPHHHH>> without ME. HMMPPH! jealous nyer... hahaha.. get over it mai.. ok ok.. need to take a piss.. sayonara!

happy together.

2004-08-27T15:03:00.000+08:00

harlowwww!!! ok, i was a depressed child yesterday.. now.. i have my head back on my shoulders.. after much thinkin, i am clear headed now.. ok, i noe that every single thing fail said is true, bout him and her... yes, i learnt to deal with it... i shud understand his situation.. if i was him, i'm sure i'd feel the same way bout my ex... yeahhh... but i do noe he loves me. cos when he looks at me, i just noe. :) even if its not as much as he loves her, i am able to deal with it due to several reasons.. the impt thing is, he loves me as much as i love him.. tho not as much as i love him.. ok, there was so many love in one sentence... haha... i am willin to take a risk... people say i might get hurt, i might not get hurt, but i will go for it anyway.. i mean, at least i noe i tried even if we didnt werked out rite(which i hope it will!!!) think i love him to much ready to forget bout him aniwaes.. haha.. i trust him with all my heart... i noe he wont hurt me.. :) so this is wat i'm gonna do... i'll continue lovin him as owaes(or mebbe even more), treasure wat we have-our time with each other, cherish it, and see wat happens... baby, if you're readin this, i'm sorry bout the last entry ok, dat was how i felt at that moment.. impulse kinda thingy.. sorry lar..still lurve ya a lot a lot a lot tau! btw, went to skool, den went home, den went to ang mo kio to fetch that bugger :), den went to simpang to chill wif nufal, maria, syaf, adam.. so good to see my best gerlfrens!!! den ate at syed's... quite good.. den spent more time wif baby... den went home... :( hehee.. i didnt wanna go!!! ok, gotta prepare for tml presentation.. so i'd be decked in formals.. sheeshness.. ok taaaaa!!! *can smell u on my shoulders, can taste u on my lips* :)

kill me sumone.

2004-08-26T13:32:00.000+08:00

nufail just told me something i shud have realised a long time ago... i am a fuckin fool. disillusioned by your words.. your touch.. your kissies... a fool indeed. you'll never place anyone above her... and how stupid i was to believe that there was actualli an us... you'll never ever ever stop luvin her... dat i can understand... but you'll never be able to luv me more than her... well well.. i have no say... i mean... who the fuck am i anyway....
i read once rite... in this book, that the least painful way to kill yourself is by taking a bath in a bathtub, but make sure it is like really warm water... den u take a sharp razor and slit your wrist... dats just one of the ways... now, i wish i had a bathtub and a sharp razor... and the guts to try that out... or mebbe someone can just fuckin shoot me rite thru the head... yeah... dat'll be great actually...
I AM A FOOL

its been, erm, 5 hrs we're seperated.

2004-08-25T13:05:00.000+08:00

harloowww.... i am so freakin boredddddd nowwwwwwww.... aaron hasnt replied my msg, think he still at his bike circuit thingy?? ohh wellz... i borrowed a book of aaron's, the alchemist by paulo coelho... i am still at page 44, but it a really great read... cant wait to know the outcome of the story... tokin bout books, i have tons of project due... dude.... sucks... i've got a pimple on my chin... nice try aaron, tryin to squeeze the puss out.. now its like a volcano and it HURTS like HELL... haha.. ouchies.. i told u soooo that it'll get worst!!! :P i've got an extremely bad tummy ache now... i wanna go poo, but it just wont come out!! DAMN.. lackin dietary fibre... aniwaes, i've gotta wake up early to send him to camp again... i'll make sure aaron will book in.. no more skipping camp for you now mr wise guy... i dont want you to get charged yeah... okeh... the urge to shit is comin.... LATERRRR!!

with aaron.

2004-08-25T01:33:00.000+08:00

guess wat? i am at tampines with aaron... in a hurry to go to ole bb, we went to this internet gaming centre and guess wat, I DUN HAVE TO GO TO OLE BB!!!!!! FUCKER!!! consultation week this week... urghh.. aniwaes... hey aaron... i think you're gorgeous.... *wink wink* heh..

2004-08-24T14:15:00.000+08:00

well... wat do we have here.. my werld is suddenly blooming flowers again... we cleared the air... and i feel so much betta after wat u said baby... so much betta.. so thankful that i am being blessed with your love... MUAKZZZZ MUAAAKKKZZ!! ahaha... i am sooo much happier now.. all thankx to u sweetie.... u make life beautuful. again. :)